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No More Christian Nice Guy: When Being Nice--Instead of Good--Hurts Men, Women and Children

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Using humorous examples from his own life, poignant stories, and vivid examples from contemporary culture, Coughlin shows how he learned to say no to the "nice guy" syndrome and instead reflect the true biblical model of manhood.


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Using humorous examples from his own life, poignant stories, and vivid examples from contemporary culture, Coughlin shows how he learned to say no to the "nice guy" syndrome and instead reflect the true biblical model of manhood.

30 review for No More Christian Nice Guy: When Being Nice--Instead of Good--Hurts Men, Women and Children

  1. 4 out of 5

    John Gardner

    The men in my small group recently went through this book together. Coughlin distinguishes between “nice guys” and “good guys”, contending that Jesus was the latter, and so we Christian men ought to be as well. This entails living lives that are bold and adventurous rather than passive and uninspiring. It requires finding a balance between being “wise as serpents and innocent as doves” (Matt. 10:16). After all, Jesus was the man who “opened not his mouth” (Is. 53:7) in his own defense at his tri The men in my small group recently went through this book together. Coughlin distinguishes between “nice guys” and “good guys”, contending that Jesus was the latter, and so we Christian men ought to be as well. This entails living lives that are bold and adventurous rather than passive and uninspiring. It requires finding a balance between being “wise as serpents and innocent as doves” (Matt. 10:16). After all, Jesus was the man who “opened not his mouth” (Is. 53:7) in his own defense at his trial, but he is also the man who brandished a whip to drive the moneychangers out of the temple, and who bucked the establishment of the political and religious leaders of his day. Jesus wept with emotion, got angry, loved children, worked diligently, and gave glory to His Father at all times. “Christian Nice Guys”, however, struggle to follow his example, which hurts them in their marriages, their families, and their jobs. Coughlin offers practical solutions and Biblical counsel for those struggling CNG’s and their wives. Buy this book here .

  2. 4 out of 5

    Andy R.

    Once you've read "Wild at Heart," reread it, then you are ready for this book. Seriously, this sits on my shelf right between the complete works of John Eldredge and "Why Men Hate Going to Church." If you love God but can't stand His followers you owe it to yourself to read those three books.

  3. 4 out of 5

    Thomas

    Obviously like all books that fall into the quasi-scriptural/self-help section. It's not God-Breathed scripture, so you have to pray over it, but it is worth the read. I congratulate the author for going out on a limb, and saying what needed to be said. He stated some pointed statements in this book, he got right down where the "Christian Nice Guy" lives, and pulled no punches. He not only challenged, but he proked! However, he is speaking out of empathy, because he once was a CNG! His section on Obviously like all books that fall into the quasi-scriptural/self-help section. It's not God-Breathed scripture, so you have to pray over it, but it is worth the read. I congratulate the author for going out on a limb, and saying what needed to be said. He stated some pointed statements in this book, he got right down where the "Christian Nice Guy" lives, and pulled no punches. He not only challenged, but he proked! However, he is speaking out of empathy, because he once was a CNG! His section on how Jesus' image has been twisted to be more feminine, is plain jaw droppingly shocking! I left that section with an answer to a few questions. I had always suspected that something wasn't right with how Jesus was portrayed, but it took reading this book to be able to put my finger on it. I think he took a good attempt to show how the harmony of the sexes actually help each other, and there is no bashing of women in anyway. I will add that while the book is chocked-full of scripture, he doesn't go into an in depth process on how the Holy Spirit, or rather the Spirit of Grace can help a man change. Don't get me wrong, he speaks of the Holy Spirit, of God and Jesus a lot, but if you want a book on the spiritual process that makes a man, it's not here. If you think that Christianity and mansculinity are polar opposites you should read it.

  4. 5 out of 5

    James

    I had this on Kindle and finally got around to reading it. Paul Coughlin is a local Christian writer and runs a non-profit addressing the problem of bullies. This book was written about a decade ago and is his encouragement for Christian men to stop being so passive, and to become courageous, good and assertive. I would say for the most part this book is great; however about 20% of the book is Coughlin's critique on how the feminist movement has eroded our understanding of what it means to be a I had this on Kindle and finally got around to reading it. Paul Coughlin is a local Christian writer and runs a non-profit addressing the problem of bullies. This book was written about a decade ago and is his encouragement for Christian men to stop being so passive, and to become courageous, good and assertive. I would say for the most part this book is great; however about 20% of the book is Coughlin's critique on how the feminist movement has eroded our understanding of what it means to be a man. He sees other root causes for the Christian Nice Guy (CNG), such as a feminized, meek and mild picture of Jesus, and how (he personally but others) have had their masculinity damaged through abuse. The advice he dispenses, about being assertive and not ruled by fear, applies to both males and females and I disagree with some of his analysis, mostly because painting the 'meek' image of Jesus as girly (or as he says in a chapter title, a bearded lady), demeans women. Passive nice ladies are not exactly praised in Scripture, where as assertive, strong women are (i.e. the bleeding woman, Mary and Martha, Jesus' mother Mary at the Wedding of Cana, the Syropoenician woman, etc). I don't blame feminists for eroding manhood, but praise them for helping women recover their strength. Coughlin does write a No More Christian Nice Girl book as well, where presumably he packages this same advice for women. But on the level of 'advice,' I think Coughlin is spot-on. Niceness is pretty detrimental to men's lives. Passivity is a failure to be truly good and I can recognize patterns of behavior and places where I personally be more assertive. So I appreciate his message.

  5. 4 out of 5

    Lucas

    I'm not quite finished with this one yet, and it's been a tough slog so far. Parts of it made me very angry at Paul, since it seems like he's blaming women and the Women's Rights Movement of the 60's and 70's for a lot of what he sees is wrong with guys nowadays. And granted, what he sees is wrong really is wrong - men who are timid and meek and ever subservient, men who will not stand up for justice, men who bowl over in conflict just to avoid ruffling feathers, men who manipulate behind the sc I'm not quite finished with this one yet, and it's been a tough slog so far. Parts of it made me very angry at Paul, since it seems like he's blaming women and the Women's Rights Movement of the 60's and 70's for a lot of what he sees is wrong with guys nowadays. And granted, what he sees is wrong really is wrong - men who are timid and meek and ever subservient, men who will not stand up for justice, men who bowl over in conflict just to avoid ruffling feathers, men who manipulate behind the scenes because they are afraid to just ask for what they want, men who are afraid to lead, men who do not respect themselves enough to oppose insult and embrace righteous confrontation. However, his message seems a little bit off for my personal experience. I haven't gone through a lot of what he talks about in his text, but he gives a strong biblical standing for the qualities of godly masculinity, which is helpful and interesting to read.

  6. 5 out of 5

    Richard Joya

    There would have been less heartbreak in my life had I read this book earlier. Reading this book has helped me realize how trying to please people in the short run ends with me often taking a passive aggressive attitude. Rather than confront something when it is happening I would bottle things up and blow up when the last straw comes weeks or even months later. Because of that friends and even family were afraid of me. Now people are much more happy and respectful around me. I like his referen There would have been less heartbreak in my life had I read this book earlier. Reading this book has helped me realize how trying to please people in the short run ends with me often taking a passive aggressive attitude. Rather than confront something when it is happening I would bottle things up and blow up when the last straw comes weeks or even months later. Because of that friends and even family were afraid of me. Now people are much more happy and respectful around me. I like his reference to Dr. Kristina Hoff Sommers. I enjoy her show the Factual Feminist. I would love to see groups like the Honey Badgers interview Paul. I think it would be interesting. Reading this has helped me realize how my clouded view of Jesus and Christianity has put myself into a box of needing to be a people pleaser. The perspective that Paul Coughlin wrote about has given me a better understanding of Jesus and his teachings. He now feels like someone who lived on Earth rather than just a character in a story. This has also helped me understand why many of my peers would criticize Christianity but act surprised, absolutely shocked if I decide to make a stand and defend the faith. So many of them expect Christians to be pushovers. It also explains some of the reasons many of them hold such bitter views. Paul also dispels myths about what Christian men should think and not feel that I have noticed among many bitter people.

  7. 5 out of 5

    John

    The title kind of tells it all, and for those familiar with "No More Mr. Nice Guy" get the reference - why I bought this and had to see what it was about. It starts with the obvious, to show how the bible is not about "nice guys" and then goes to show how Jesus was not a "nice guy". I mean, pretty basic. And a lot of the rest is too. I got the impression that Paul Coughlin thinks he has stumbled upon something really important, as well may be, and that this is the book to tell the world. I found The title kind of tells it all, and for those familiar with "No More Mr. Nice Guy" get the reference - why I bought this and had to see what it was about. It starts with the obvious, to show how the bible is not about "nice guys" and then goes to show how Jesus was not a "nice guy". I mean, pretty basic. And a lot of the rest is too. I got the impression that Paul Coughlin thinks he has stumbled upon something really important, as well may be, and that this is the book to tell the world. I found it rather disappointingly written, a bit too all over the place and lacking in structure. It's not that it's very bad, it is actually totally ok book in case of content if you manage to distill it out, but not all in the writing style and building a good case for each chapter. Somehow it became a slow read rather than interesting, and I lost the edge of it too often in the multitudes of jumps in references. I wonder if maybe the first edition would have been better because it seemed that this expanded edition just got sprinkled with new quotes and paragraphs all over.

  8. 5 out of 5

    Philip Parker

    This book was exactly what I needed at this time in my life. The author has a great way of challenging the reader to look at his Christian walk in a different light. I pray now that I walk with God as a Christian Good Guy and stand for what is biblical instead of what I think a Christian Man is supposed to act like. I also found it helpful to read this book as a group so I could glean from other Men. It was refreshing to share what I read and then hear a completely different take on the same thi This book was exactly what I needed at this time in my life. The author has a great way of challenging the reader to look at his Christian walk in a different light. I pray now that I walk with God as a Christian Good Guy and stand for what is biblical instead of what I think a Christian Man is supposed to act like. I also found it helpful to read this book as a group so I could glean from other Men. It was refreshing to share what I read and then hear a completely different take on the same thing because another man had different life experiences than me.

  9. 5 out of 5

    Sage Adams

    The usual Christian platitudes about how great Jesus and God are and how you should be more like Jesus. Some ideas about how to be less 'nice'...but would be more beneficial to men who suffer from niceness to spend more time tackling why they are nice in the first place - through no fault of their own - usually unhealthy family systems that have taught them to be doormats.

  10. 4 out of 5

    Evghenii

    A great look at masculinity in the post-modern church. The author speaks to the reader through addressing the issues most men face and gives ideas as to how to begin the road to recovery for emasculated generation. Great chapter on Jesus’ portrait of a man. God’s sense of humor highlighted, though further reassign suggested.

  11. 5 out of 5

    Michael

    A book worth reading again. I've recommended this to friends. It is my prayer that this message spreads more in the church and men feel free to be the men God meant for them to be according to the Bible.

  12. 4 out of 5

    John

    Long and drawn out. If you want a good lesson on overcoming Nice Guy life, read Glover’s No More Mr. Nice Guy. I’ve read and re-read that book multiple times, while Coughlin’s book was a struggle to get through.

  13. 5 out of 5

    Andrew Gerbers

    A good book about being a good guy instead of a "nice guy". The book starts off a little edgy and very repetitive, but trudge through it and you get to the good stuff. Many good points and most is based off scripture.

  14. 5 out of 5

    Russell Vining

    good perspective of how to view what society is teaching and how to respond.

  15. 5 out of 5

    Travis

    There are some good nuggets in here... But like the grocery store, It's full of a lot of stuff I just didn't need or couldn't use. But the overall theme was good.

  16. 4 out of 5

    Robbie Cruse

    Good, challenging book for the Christian guy. Makes a lot of sense. Does not give an excuse to be a jerk, like the title may seem to lean towards. It has a good balance and is easy to read.

  17. 5 out of 5

    Jeff

    This book should be distilled down into about a 50-page booklet. There's an excruciating amount of personal stories. Very tough to get through to the end.

  18. 4 out of 5

    Phil Lemons

    This book is like a slap in the face followed by a cold drink of water. I believe Coughlin intentionally starts off with some strong language to slap the nice guy in the face. I interpret this to be a bit of a test to see if the reader wants to recover from the nice guy syndrome. Those who are can't see past being nice simply won't continue to find the treasure this book offers. Coughlin's writing style matches his message. It is straight up what he believes to be true. Better than that, he prov This book is like a slap in the face followed by a cold drink of water. I believe Coughlin intentionally starts off with some strong language to slap the nice guy in the face. I interpret this to be a bit of a test to see if the reader wants to recover from the nice guy syndrome. Those who are can't see past being nice simply won't continue to find the treasure this book offers. Coughlin's writing style matches his message. It is straight up what he believes to be true. Better than that, he provides solid reasoning for the message. This is the second time I've read this book, separated by some years. I picked it up again because I needed to hear the message again. Being nice is not being good. Being nice is often being dishonest with one's self and with others. Coughlin illustrates various ways Christian men play "nice". There are parts of this book that still hurt to read. There are sections where I cry because someone understands what I don't want to tell anyone else and the reading feels like locks being opened in my soul. Choosing to take on the good life and to leave the nice life behind is hard because of the history that doesn't want to let go of me. The fear of what others will think and how they will react to my new choices. I debated on whether to give this book a four star or a five star rating. Ideally, I would give it 4.5. Like many others, this book is only as valuable as one is willing to listen to what Coughlin has to say and give it a chance. As for me, I agree that it is better to make a difference for good in the world around me than to simply have the world around me think well of me while I fear I wi be found out for who I really am.

  19. 5 out of 5

    Matthew Harris

    No More Christian Nice Guy is a must read for any man that claims to be a Christian, or follower of Jesus. Christian men have a hard enough time putting up with the political correctness of the world. Good men in general are starting to become a dying breed because of the shifting values of society. I have known so many Christian nice guys and have been guilty of one myself to the point where I coward in fear because I would take the path of least resistance when I should have started a personal No More Christian Nice Guy is a must read for any man that claims to be a Christian, or follower of Jesus. Christian men have a hard enough time putting up with the political correctness of the world. Good men in general are starting to become a dying breed because of the shifting values of society. I have known so many Christian nice guys and have been guilty of one myself to the point where I coward in fear because I would take the path of least resistance when I should have started a personal crusade to stand up for myself and my values. Couglin helps the Christian nice guy to become a good guy by being a masculine man molded after the perfect balance of strength and compassion as demonstrated by Jesus. One of my favorite quotes by Couglin is the following: ". . . we let another such sinister perspective slip by us and into us at church, a prejudice veneered by a spiritual facade: We categorized human virtue based upon gender, which is morally neutral--men and women are equally fallen, sinful, and forgivable. Like racism, genderism leads to mockery, assault, bias, and injustice. And, like racism, genderism strips people--men, in this case--of identity and dignity." I highly recommend No More Christian Nice Guy to any Christian man that is having an identity crisis, or faith crisis that often is because we forget that we are sons of a God who loves us with a kingdom in store for us that is "not of this world".

  20. 4 out of 5

    Rhodes Davis

    I am skeptical of the every developing syndromes of the modern Western world. Perhaps we have syndrome syndrome (book idea!). So I was a bit suspicious when I saw the title but I was intrigued by a cursory glance through the book and decided to read it. Whether there is a "Nice Guy Syndrome" or not I'll leave for others to judge (Robert Glover wrote "No More Mr. Nice Guy" which speaks from a secular perspective). However, it does address a problem among some men which is the passive-aggressive wa I am skeptical of the every developing syndromes of the modern Western world. Perhaps we have syndrome syndrome (book idea!). So I was a bit suspicious when I saw the title but I was intrigued by a cursory glance through the book and decided to read it. Whether there is a "Nice Guy Syndrome" or not I'll leave for others to judge (Robert Glover wrote "No More Mr. Nice Guy" which speaks from a secular perspective). However, it does address a problem among some men which is the passive-aggressive way of dealing with fear and anxiety. In the book, Coughlin encourages men to not assume that others are aware of the deals that we have made with them (especially the spouse) of which they are ignorant. The frustration comes when he doesn't get what he wants even though he did what he was a good boy. The book has good advice for men who work from this anxiety-based condition. The contribution that this book makes that is different from Robert Glover's book is the impact of passive-aggressive behaviors in Christian men and the detrimental affect in the church. It is a decent book but the real meat is in the last several chapters on how to deal with the behaviors. Early chapters establish the problem of modern culture minimizing the manliness of Jesus (Jesus the Bearded Woman concept popular in many religious circles) and he makes the case to consider the whole masculinity of Jesus in the scriptures and consider Him as the example to follow.

  21. 5 out of 5

    Melissa (LifeFullyBooked)

    Warning — No More Christian Nice Guy will go against everything you thought you knew about Jesus, and will challenge your way of thinking and acting. This is an intensely thought-provoking and meaningful book written for men who are tired of being the nice guy and getting walked all over for being too passive, fearful, and mild because 'that's the way Jesus was.' Paul Coughlin used to be a nice guy. He acted the way the church had been pushing him to act: meek, mild, and gentle. But is that the w Warning — No More Christian Nice Guy will go against everything you thought you knew about Jesus, and will challenge your way of thinking and acting. This is an intensely thought-provoking and meaningful book written for men who are tired of being the nice guy and getting walked all over for being too passive, fearful, and mild because 'that's the way Jesus was.' Paul Coughlin used to be a nice guy. He acted the way the church had been pushing him to act: meek, mild, and gentle. But is that the way Jesus really was when He was on earth, and is that the way Jesus is now? Coughlin challenges this caricature and looks at three issues involving male passivity: men being shamed for acting like men, a completely unbiblical portrayal of Jesus, and childhood difficulties that translate into adult troubles. Men are challenged to move past cultural views and toward the true Biblical example of Jesus. Scriptural references, practical advice, and real-life examples make this relevant and useful. When I received this book to review, I'll admit to being skeptical. I'm a woman, what interest would I have in No More Christian Nice Guy? However, I think that any Christian woman should dive in and read it. There is priceless information about how we, as women, are part of the problem and how we can be part of the solution. I highly recommend this fascinating book. Prepare to be challenged!

  22. 5 out of 5

    Jason Cohoon

    This is a great book, but only if used with great discernment. I would recommend it not for personal reading, but rather reading with a group of other committed believing men. The author is bold and goes into a lot of dangerous territory to discuss things that have for too long been left unsaid for fear of this or that. However, because of this, it's very important to have a group of guys who can "hash out" these ideas to ensure nothing is misunderstood or misapplied. That said, this is basicall This is a great book, but only if used with great discernment. I would recommend it not for personal reading, but rather reading with a group of other committed believing men. The author is bold and goes into a lot of dangerous territory to discuss things that have for too long been left unsaid for fear of this or that. However, because of this, it's very important to have a group of guys who can "hash out" these ideas to ensure nothing is misunderstood or misapplied. That said, this is basically a book encouraging men to reject passivity and take the lead in every aspect of their lives as God intended for them to do. It covers the history of Western Christianity and Culture and how that cultural religion emasculated men and contrasts that with the real Jesus who was bold, brave, and even sometimes uncouth.

  23. 4 out of 5

    Jesse

    Very well written, full of many quotable things that make you want to post them on Facebook. Every Christian who has been affected by the watering down of Christianity by the evangelical church, or who have suffered from some type of abuse that has robbed someone of their will and assertiveness, needs to hear what is said, and every preacher needs to preach this. One thing that bugged me was that his advice on how to become more bold and overcome past abuse was too generic, and not very concrete Very well written, full of many quotable things that make you want to post them on Facebook. Every Christian who has been affected by the watering down of Christianity by the evangelical church, or who have suffered from some type of abuse that has robbed someone of their will and assertiveness, needs to hear what is said, and every preacher needs to preach this. One thing that bugged me was that his advice on how to become more bold and overcome past abuse was too generic, and not very concrete and thorough. The other thing that bugged me was that this book was marketed towards passive men, when everything the author said, as well as the Bible references he refers to, is true for women as well.

  24. 5 out of 5

    Go2therock

    Well, add this book to my list of 4 and 5 star books that serve a man well in learning to walk the straight and narrow. I'm not sure at what age I might begin considering to recommend this book, perhaps as early as high school, but it is certainly something that a man would find valuable throughout his life. Paul's contemporary and relatable voice is decidedly masculine, yet open and vulnerable, walking a firm line of manhood. "I've been there" he says with frank honesty, and he points. "This is Well, add this book to my list of 4 and 5 star books that serve a man well in learning to walk the straight and narrow. I'm not sure at what age I might begin considering to recommend this book, perhaps as early as high school, but it is certainly something that a man would find valuable throughout his life. Paul's contemporary and relatable voice is decidedly masculine, yet open and vulnerable, walking a firm line of manhood. "I've been there" he says with frank honesty, and he points. "This is to what He has called us," and he invites forward and onward. In this age of the sissification of men, Paul parts the curtain and lovingly urges them behind the veil to a place of secure trust, real tools, and solid truth.

  25. 4 out of 5

    Connie

    For the first approximately half of the book, I felt that the main ideas were being over stated to the point of losing the key point. He seems a bit too eager to paint Christ as rough and rugged. It’s hard for me to give much credence to his scriptural interpretations. He is implying a tone of voice and manner that we just cannot know from the text alone. I appreciate his perspective and don’t disagree with many of his points. They are worthwhile to consider and definitely add to the dialogue tha For the first approximately half of the book, I felt that the main ideas were being over stated to the point of losing the key point. He seems a bit too eager to paint Christ as rough and rugged. It’s hard for me to give much credence to his scriptural interpretations. He is implying a tone of voice and manner that we just cannot know from the text alone. I appreciate his perspective and don’t disagree with many of his points. They are worthwhile to consider and definitely add to the dialogue that needs to take place with this topic. In the second half of the book, he became much more balanced with everything which I very much appreciated.

  26. 5 out of 5

    derek

    sort of like "wild at heart" in subject matter, but he seems to take the aspect of men being "bold and offensive" a little too far. He seems to care more about not being pushed around than he does being like Christ. Still good for any Christian man to read. sort of like "wild at heart" in subject matter, but he seems to take the aspect of men being "bold and offensive" a little too far. He seems to care more about not being pushed around than he does being like Christ. Still good for any Christian man to read.

  27. 5 out of 5

    Jason

    This book started out pretty good but I have just simply read too many books for Christian men to truly enjoy hearing some of the same ole stuff. If you are a Christian guy or a girl who wants your guy to break out of a routine and live more passionately, I believe that this book will help you. But if you have read many books on the topic of Christian men, then you might get bogged down in the repetition of it all. Check it out though.

  28. 4 out of 5

    George

    This was a really great read. I was skeptical at first at what i would find but for an inspirational book, it was really good. He pulled no punches; candidly addressing many of the problems with masculinity today. He draws his inspiration for his method from 1st Thessalonians 5:14. The book is largely written for people who are already Christians and though many men will benefit from reading it, married men will especially be helped by this book.

  29. 5 out of 5

    Nicholas Maulucci

    a thought-provoking book. many of the authors's philosophies are outside the box, and while I would not ascribe to all of them, many of them are relevant. his thesis that we as christian men are supposed to be good and not necessarily nice could be a reason our churches are losing masculinity. an easy read - a couple of hours and I recommend pastors and male christian workers to read this book.

  30. 4 out of 5

    Dan

    This book has a great premise and starts out well. But then it gets very repetitive (like most books of this variety), and then it goes into the mantra about how what the Church needs is macho men. It makes the mistake of buying into Western masculine ideals and presenting them as biblical truths, proof-texting along the way.

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